I'm pretty sure no one has ever been happy when they discovered their partner's snoring. If such a person exists, I'd really like to meet them!
In reality finding out your partner snores, whether it's from day one or it's developed over time, is usually considered bad news. And how could it not be? It means sleep will be more difficult, probably a lot of time will be spent in separate beds, and you can bet there will be arguments about it.
This is a normal reaction.
But how long should you let that reaction trickle into your ongoing feelings before you get over it and move on? A week? A month? Well, for me the disappointment and resentment lasted for years. YEARS! And I'm certainly not alone in this.
I hear from women who've been pissed about their husbands' snoring since before the baby was born...and now the baby has just graduated from college.
That's a lot of mental space to devote to being resentful. And it's one of the biggest mistakes any of us can make when dealing with snoring.
I'm not saying you should be happy when you hear snoring. I'm not even saying you need to be mature about it. Heck, a little temper tantrum would probably help those resentful feelings come to the surface and be dealt with a whole lot faster than bottling it up inside.
But at some point, if you're ever interested in sleeping well next to the snoring person in your bed, you'll need to ditch the resentment.
Holding onto it is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in both your sleep and relationship.
The quicker you commit to this, the better your sleep and your relationship. Plus, once you apply this to snoring you'll be better equipped to use the same method when anything at all gets under your skin. I don't know about you but I'd much rather put my energy and mental focus towards things that'll have a positive effect on my life, and not waste time thinking about snoring at all.
Here's a plan for how to do just that.
Step 1 Acknowledge that snoring pisses you off and that you resent your partner for doing it. Sure it seems like that's a given but snoring can be such a touchy subject that it's hard to even talk about it (out loud) without getting into a confrontation. That's why you only need to make this acknowledgement to yourself, either out loud or written down. You want to officially put it out there that snoring is something that you dislike...and that there are negative feelings towards your partner because of the snoring.
Step 2: Do you know WHY snoring bothers you so much? Like the real deep reason. Try writing down one reason why you resent your partner's snoring so much. Then below it ask why you believe that statement to be true. Then jot down your response. And keep going until you've asked yourself why at least 3 times. See if you can identify the underlying story you have about what the snoring means to you.
Here's what it might look like:
-I resent snoring because it keeps me awake every night no matter what sleep gadget I've tried
-WHY? Because I shouldn't have to be the one to change how I sleep when it's something he does.
-WHY? Because if he actually cared about me, he'd figure out a way to make the snoring stop or help me get better sleep.
-WHY? Because I work just as hard as he does AND I do the housework so I'm equally as deserving of sleep as he is, if not more.
-What this all means: When my husband continues to snore, it feels like he's more valuable and important than I am, which is why my sleep isn't important to him.
That's what my own personal story looked like. And I clung to it for what feels like eons. On the surface it was about the snoring keeping me awake but deeper down it was really a matter of feeling valued and appreciated for my contribution to the household.
Your story might look similar or it may be entirely different. What matters most is that you do the work to explore and be curious about what it is that makes snoring such a pain in the ass for you.
Step 3: Look for evidence to the contrary. Resentment towards snoring is almost always a manifestation of deeper issues bubbling to the surface with an easy to argue about topic: snoring. Assuming the story is actually false, you'll now set out on a mission to find clues that will show you the opposite of the story you've told yourself. Write down anything you find, even if it's small.
And if there's a situation where your story is in fact true, don't think you get out of this. Your job is to have a conversation with your partner about whatever it is that's bothering you.
Step 4: Finally, after you know what the true version of your story is, you can repeat it to yourself throughout the day or at night when the snoring starts. What you'll find is that once you're no longer so attached to the fake story, it becomes much easier to view snoring for what it really is. Just noise.
You'll notice there's something missing in this technique that maybe you didn't expect, and it definitely wouldn't be the case if you went the traditional anti-snoring device method.
We've left your partner completely out of the equation, and for good reason.
Our reaction to snoring has nothing to do with the sound of snoring but has everything to do with our interpretation of what the sound means to us. If you're ready to ditch the spare room and let go of the negativity that goes hand in hand with resentment, please give these steps a try. When you're ready to dive deeper and completely eliminate the wide-awake effect snoring has on you, join us in the Sleep Through Snoring program. The only training of its kind, proven to help you sleep next to your partner without eliminating the snoring.